It's been a long time but I don't feel I have anywhere public enough yet divided enough from my current life to put this besides here.

It would be a lie to say everything is different now that Phil and I are over. It's not. Everything is just the same. I'm choosing to make it different.

I'm not sure I like who it is I'm becoming this week. I'm smoking a lot, drinking when I shouldn't and putting off anything and everything I should be doing to indulge in the here and now. I feel like I need to do that sometime, but I think right now is the worst possible time. I worked so hard to keep my grades up and I'm afraid that right now, during finals and with all these final projects, I'm going to let all that go.

I just don't really know who I am and I feel pressured to find that out immediately. I have the sneaking suspicion I'm not going to like whoever I come up with.

It's stupid, but I feel really alone. I miss Lauren more than ever, although I'm not sure why. I feel like our bond somehow strengthened over Thanksgiving, but I can't figure out what it is that makes me feel that way.

I can't sleep tonight. Or last night. Or the night before. I never had trouble sleeping before. But it's weird, because it's not like I'm being kept awake with thoughts of Phil like I'd expect. I'm just running scenarios through my head over and over, changing them, hoping finally one will turn out right and give me the answer I need.

Something feels really wrong lately.

I just need some time away from home. I need some time away from all these memories and all these terrible thoughts that keep running through my head. I need some time away from myself.